One word, three letters, and my life!
It's been 25 years since the time I came into this world but not once I remember telling her that I love her. These days when we talk she often tells stories of my relatives and the kind of bond that my cousins share with their mother. I guess she expects me to tell her how much I love her and make her feel special. But I never do because maybe I feel shy! I might have not felt shy telling I love you to my ex-girlfriends but maybe I am shy when it comes to my mom.
My childhood,
Having grown up in a conservative joint family with me being the youngest, one would expect me to be the most disciplined of all as there were a dozen people to correct me and guide me at every step of my life. But to everyone's shock, I turned out to be a rebel without a cause. A narcissistic, self-obsessed and an egoistic kid who would never listen to anyone. I was the spoilt brat. One of those kids who gets your bp high and you feel like slapping him so that he would shut up and stop irritating you with his arrogant attitude. Despite being so obnoxious I was the most pampered kid.
If I had a kid like me, I would slap him every day at breakfast, lunch, and at dinner. I wonder how my mom never hated me for what I was. I wonder why she would save every penny she had so she could buy me a new dress on my birthday every year. I would see her fight with my dad so that she could buy me something that I wanted. We never had the money yet she would try to save up where ever she could so that one fine day she would treat us with some delicacies. With her around, I never had the feeling that I wasn't a privileged kid. If only had I know the meaning of empty hands or neck then. Every time I was scared I would hide behind her. Every time I had a fever she would stay awake for hours- nights and days sitting right next to me and at the same time doing all her daily chores without any rest. She would hug me tight when I was cold. And now when she falls sick all I do is ask her if she is fine.
Now,
Some people justify by saying "she is my mom and I'm most comfortable with her and that's why I end up talking rudely with her whenever I feel low or when I have an argument with her". Some say "I get angry only with those whom I love the most".
And just like most kids even I throw all my tantrums on my mom.
It's been years, so long that I don't even remember when was the last time she scolded me. But on the other hand, the last time when I scolded her was just yesterday because she wanted to tell me some incident which she wasn't happy with and I didn't have the time to listen to her as I don't find it interesting! Even though I know how lonely she feels.
Sometimes she expects me to tell her what's going on in my life so that she can feel a little involved. She wants to be my friend. How bizarre right? But since the time she got married and came here she has lost touch with all her friends. The past thirty years she has just spent taking care of us. She has a "zero" social life. Her only friends are a couple of aunts who live closeby since the time our joint family split. I wonder how my life would be if I had no friends in my life and I had to sit in my house all day just doing the daily chores 7 days a week and 365 days a year continuously for 32 years!
These days I feel that she is getting a little insecure about me and my brothers. Maybe she has started to wonder if her sons love and respect her enough. She is scared of how we would treat her in the future. She feels we might laugh at her if she does something because she isn't aware of the trends in the market. She feels ashamed to go out in public because she does not speak fluent English. She thinks that because we stay away in different states we never miss her.
Also this mothers day, I realized that for the past 25 years, not once have I wished her "happy mothers day" out of my own consciousness.
I guess I owe her an apology. Maybe it's me who let her feel like she is drifting away. I want to tell her that I am not worried about any of those above insecurities that she has. She is just perfect as she is and I am proud of her. Like all those millions of sons out there, even I love my Maa. I miss her just as much as she misses me. Okay, maybe a little less cause you know it's Mothers love!
But more than all this, I want to make sure I make her feel special again. I have a lot of social exposure and my memories are made up by my friends, family, girlfriends, colleagues, etc. All she has is her family! A few years from now she will be old, really old. I don't want her to look back in her memories to remember different instances when I was irritated or angry with her. I want her to have some pleasant memories, and not be filled with sadness when she opens her memory files like in "Inside Out".
To all the sons/daughters out there, if you were treated like a prince/princes it is because your Maa is a queen. Please do treat her like one!
It's been 25 years since the time I came into this world but not once I remember telling her that I love her. These days when we talk she often tells stories of my relatives and the kind of bond that my cousins share with their mother. I guess she expects me to tell her how much I love her and make her feel special. But I never do because maybe I feel shy! I might have not felt shy telling I love you to my ex-girlfriends but maybe I am shy when it comes to my mom.
My childhood,
Having grown up in a conservative joint family with me being the youngest, one would expect me to be the most disciplined of all as there were a dozen people to correct me and guide me at every step of my life. But to everyone's shock, I turned out to be a rebel without a cause. A narcissistic, self-obsessed and an egoistic kid who would never listen to anyone. I was the spoilt brat. One of those kids who gets your bp high and you feel like slapping him so that he would shut up and stop irritating you with his arrogant attitude. Despite being so obnoxious I was the most pampered kid.
If I had a kid like me, I would slap him every day at breakfast, lunch, and at dinner. I wonder how my mom never hated me for what I was. I wonder why she would save every penny she had so she could buy me a new dress on my birthday every year. I would see her fight with my dad so that she could buy me something that I wanted. We never had the money yet she would try to save up where ever she could so that one fine day she would treat us with some delicacies. With her around, I never had the feeling that I wasn't a privileged kid. If only had I know the meaning of empty hands or neck then. Every time I was scared I would hide behind her. Every time I had a fever she would stay awake for hours- nights and days sitting right next to me and at the same time doing all her daily chores without any rest. She would hug me tight when I was cold. And now when she falls sick all I do is ask her if she is fine.
Now,
Some people justify by saying "she is my mom and I'm most comfortable with her and that's why I end up talking rudely with her whenever I feel low or when I have an argument with her". Some say "I get angry only with those whom I love the most".
And just like most kids even I throw all my tantrums on my mom.
It's been years, so long that I don't even remember when was the last time she scolded me. But on the other hand, the last time when I scolded her was just yesterday because she wanted to tell me some incident which she wasn't happy with and I didn't have the time to listen to her as I don't find it interesting! Even though I know how lonely she feels.
Sometimes she expects me to tell her what's going on in my life so that she can feel a little involved. She wants to be my friend. How bizarre right? But since the time she got married and came here she has lost touch with all her friends. The past thirty years she has just spent taking care of us. She has a "zero" social life. Her only friends are a couple of aunts who live closeby since the time our joint family split. I wonder how my life would be if I had no friends in my life and I had to sit in my house all day just doing the daily chores 7 days a week and 365 days a year continuously for 32 years!
These days I feel that she is getting a little insecure about me and my brothers. Maybe she has started to wonder if her sons love and respect her enough. She is scared of how we would treat her in the future. She feels we might laugh at her if she does something because she isn't aware of the trends in the market. She feels ashamed to go out in public because she does not speak fluent English. She thinks that because we stay away in different states we never miss her.
Also this mothers day, I realized that for the past 25 years, not once have I wished her "happy mothers day" out of my own consciousness.
I guess I owe her an apology. Maybe it's me who let her feel like she is drifting away. I want to tell her that I am not worried about any of those above insecurities that she has. She is just perfect as she is and I am proud of her. Like all those millions of sons out there, even I love my Maa. I miss her just as much as she misses me. Okay, maybe a little less cause you know it's Mothers love!
But more than all this, I want to make sure I make her feel special again. I have a lot of social exposure and my memories are made up by my friends, family, girlfriends, colleagues, etc. All she has is her family! A few years from now she will be old, really old. I don't want her to look back in her memories to remember different instances when I was irritated or angry with her. I want her to have some pleasant memories, and not be filled with sadness when she opens her memory files like in "Inside Out".
To all the sons/daughters out there, if you were treated like a prince/princes it is because your Maa is a queen. Please do treat her like one!
This is so lovely! Wraps you to in emotion.
ReplyDeleteWow butu darling too good😍 emotional kar diya
ReplyDeleteGuilty :(
ReplyDeleteSo true.. Mothers are great👍
ReplyDelete