The dilemma

Well, the story begins almost 7 years back from today. I was just a 17-year teenager guy who had a breakup and was dealing with it. I was never good at handling my emotions so like the most I cried my heart out. But I had some awesome friends in my college to bear with all my tantrums. I had never thought one day I would fall in love with my best friend on whose shoulder I had been crying so far because I missed my ex.

This is where it all began. So we decided to get into a relationship but we knew it wouldn't last.  I wasn't even sure if I was in love earlier with my ex or the feelings that I now share for my best friend is love. Also, she came from a conservative Oriya family with loads of responsibility on her shoulders. She was a daughter, stronger than a son.  As there were other personal reasons contributing to this so we made a deal that as soon as the college gets over we would break up and part our ways cause that seemed the most sensible decision.

Once we got in a relationship, days and years passed by and we fell head over heels. We were inseparable. Even 24 hours a day was not sufficient and we wished we had some more time together. We were not just lovers, we were two best friends in love. We rarely fought and when we did our solution was to smile :) Nothing more was required but just a smile. I would never get angry or raise my voice. Every time I closed my eyes I would see her standing in the dark in a beautiful white chudidar with light focused on her laughing like how she laughs to all my silly jokes.

It was like the most perfect relationship I could ever dream of. Time passed and our bond grew stronger like never before. I had realized I was too immature in my previous relationship. But now I know what love feels like. We could probably do anything for each other. We were each others lifeline until the reality hit us hard. The college life was now over and our sweet honeymoon period had come to an end. It was time for her to take care of the burden of responsibilities and I, on the other hand, had no idea about my future.

She got a job in an MNC. She was now facing all the problems which are burdened on a son in a normal middle-class family. She was now taking care of all the needs of her family. Slowly her families conservative mindset got to her and she realized what her parents expect from her. With all the personal issues taken into consideration, she now had to make a choice between me and her family. 

It was 6 months since we passed out of college and still, I was jobless without a clue of what I'm going to do in life. I was the only person in this whole world who knew her inside out. There were times when I had cried just because she was sad about something or she had tears in her eyes because of some personal reason (not related to us) as if her pain was mine. At this point in time, I knew I was just a problem in her life. I wasn't financially stable. Nor was I some Oriya brahmin guy that her parents want. But our bond was growing so stronger that we knew we can never live without each other. 

According to her it was already too late for us to have broken up and since I knew her so well I wanted to agree with whatever she said but I don't know what had gotten into me and I snapped. I turned in a devil who tortured her to stay with me. We got into fights and I ended up abusing her without realizing what I was saying. I called her continuously for days even though she didn't want to talk. I stood on the roads and outside her house throughout the night waiting to see her once. The girl who loved everything about me was now scared of me after knowing me for nearly 5 years. It took a few months for me to calm down but still, I wasn't ready to let go of her as I loved her so much. I tried everything to get her back. I got a job in the office where she was working. When she moved to a new city with a new and better job, I traveled to her city on her birthday so that she wouldn't be alone in a new place and also be surprised and happy to see me. I made a fool out of myself just to be with her. I tried everything I could but I realized how strong and sensible she was. Even if she wanted to come back she wouldn't cause she decided to break up for a reason! 

Slowly I stopped trying. She had blocked me everywhere and even I didn't try to get in touch with her. Almost for a year, we didn't speak at all. A year back decided to resign from my office cause I had come here for her and she was long gone. I also decided to leave the city in which I was born and brought up since it had a lot of memories which I could not handle. I finally came to DELHI hoping for a new beginning and I decided to clear UPSC. Its been a year since I have been preparing for it and it might be a while before I achieve my goals but still the only constant thought that I have running in my heart is "I wish I could fix everything that happened in the last two and a half years"

I started talking to her again when I quit my job and I moved to this new city. Now we talk occasionally and very formally but still, there have been times when we have had some really intense conversations. Now when we talk it feels like we trying to hold ourselves back and not open up otherwise he/she would know the truth. Even today when I hear her voice my heart thumps so loud that the person standing next to me could hear it. Today I'm even scared to face her because I don't know how she would react. Its been nearly two years since I saw her but still, I hope no one takes her away from me till I clear UPSC so that I try once more to win her back in my life. But the real question is does she want me to try? What if it's just me who feels this way and she has moved on in her life? What if all my attempts to win her back is just going to torture her more? What if I never realized that she actually doesn't feel the way I thought she did in our relationship? Is my dilemma just mine or that of all the heartbroken's out there?